He would have been 34 yesterday. Most people don’t understand why I still think about him like I do. Hell, even I don’t! I know I shouldn’t. I thought about him yesterday and about how when he was 21 I bought him a birthday cake because he was on the outs with his family and wasn’t going to celebrate. I wasn’t sad yesterday, I thought maybe things were getting easier. Today, I’m sad and I can’t stop listening to Kenny Chesney. Like everyone else on earth he was dying from the moment he was born but most people aren’t told as much. He died almost 6 years ago on July 31, 2001. He had Cystic Fibrosis and lived life like he was dying but not like the Tim McGraw song. He was reckless because he thought nothing he did would ever matter. Not many people knew him, I mean who he really was. I did. I was grateful that he let me in. Because he didn’t let people in, most people thought he was a jerk including most of our mutual friends. I knew his dreams, what he thought he would have done with his life if he hadn’t known he was knocking on death’s door.
I got married a few years before he died and even though they didn’t know each other they hated each other. My husband thought he was an ass who cared about noone and he thought my husband was controling and not good enough for me. It’s funny because they were both so wrong. I didn’t see him for several years before he died and maybe that is where all my guilt comes from. I put my family first and although I don’t regret that, I think I should have visited him a few times. He was so reckless, I knew he was spiralling out of control, especially near the end and I didn’t want to watch him die that way or maybe I just didn’t want to watch him die. That is a choice I made and one I will live with until I die. I remember the day I found out he was gone. I have not been the same since. Sometimes I wish I could erase him from my life. I am the kind of person that believes that we are who we are because of our life experiences but if not for him I think I wouldn’t be so jaded and I wouldn’t question my faith so much. If not for him I wouldn’t donate money at K-Mart every time they raise money for Cystic Fibrosis. If not for him when I look at my kids I wouldn’t be so grateful they are all healthy. If not for him I wouldn’t know loss. If not for him I wouldn’t spend so much time wondering what he would be like if he hadn’t died or been dying when I met him. I guess things are the way they are for a reason and whether I like it or not he helped shape me into the person I am today and aside from a few annoying characteristics, I don’t really mind who I am. So this one is for you Chris, happy birthday and I can only hope things are better for you after death than they were during your life.
